Landmarks

A friend recently came to visit us here in Fairyland. As I am a directional direction giver (ie head north for 5 miles, then turn East on Fairyland Road), she suggested I use landmarks, which is better suited to some people (like my husband). So, here goes.

If you want to come visit me and you're coming from the Deep South, you need to head towards the greatest concentration of trailer parks in the state. Don't stop, just keep passing them. Up on your left, you'll see a house (not a trailer) with a dump truck out front and the lower portion of the house is missing. Slow down slightly and bank right or you just might be the next car to skid out of control and land in their basement.

Continue past the last grocery store and gas station you're going to see for a good 30 miles. On your right, you'll see a wagon selling Hot Boiled Peanuts. Take the next right and head up the mountain. Shortly past the small cinderblock structure oddly being overrun by a giant forest of bamboo, the road will merge with another highway from the left. Continue up the mountain.

In another couple of miles, you'll pass a lookout spot, where, if it is a weekend evening, you should see a great number of cars. You can stop, make some friends and smoke some pot, or have a beer on the edge of a large rock overlooking a steep crevice.

If it is instead a Saturday morning, be careful of the bikers slowly huffing and puffing their way up the switchbacks. Roll down your window and holler: Keep it up! You've got just 10 miles of vertical incline until you hit the continental divide! That should keep their spirits up.

Once you've gone about 10 miles on this winding mountain road, you're HISRadio Gospel Rock and the Delilah Show will turn to static. You'll have to pop in a cd or listen to NPR for a while.

In another 4 miles, you'll come to the continental divide. Turn right here. If you start going downhill suddenly, you've gone too far.

In about 3 miles, you'll pass what looks like a wrecking yard, but upon closer examination you'll find there are a couple of trailers and a large chicken pen amidst all those inoperable vehicles and appliances. Keep going.

In another mile, there will be a lovely mountaintop view off to your right. Don't look too long or you'll go over the guardrail and down a vertical incline to your death.

Watch out for the herd of deer. Oh, and the skunks. And of course the flock of wild turkeys.

Just when you think you've come to the end of the world and must have gone too far, you'll see a driveway on your left. Then another, followed by several quaint signs that seem to be singing to you successively: Slow Down. You Move To Fast. At Gotta Make. You'll see another steep, narrow driveway on your left. That's our driveway. Ours is the house at the top with half white vinyl siding, half gray, rotting, wasp-infested siding. And there's a canoe out front named Moby.

Welcome.