Living Obituary

As promised, the obituary I wrote for my mother.  And no, I don't typically write obituaries for the living, but my mother had emailed around this obituary to her children and specifically noted that we could use it for a template for hers.  So in my defense, I was just doing what my mother told me to do. (Names and other identifying details have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty alike).

Sophronia LaDorn Knudertonsen, 1948 ~ present, Western Front, Utah - The Lake Effect Smog which so characterizes Salt Lake’s West Side thinned just a little yesterday, a tribute to the passing of one of its treasured daughters, Sophronia LaDorn Knudertonsen. It is fitting that Sophronia died in her own recliner located equidistant between the classic brown hot-tub in her perfectly manicured backyard, and the incomparable Honda Civic in her garage, which dominated the landscape of her life and which she faithfully drove to work until the day of her death. Sophronia was as strong as the steel with which the car had been built by factory workers in Japan and she never wanted to live in any city, state, or nation that could not provide her a hot soak in a snowstorm. Sophronia was born July 4th, 1948, the first of two children to Ernesto Heinz and Salina Epperstein LaDorn.  She attended local schools where she was the “E(1)” of the famed Western Front High Letter-Highs, sitting between the remarkably devoted “W” and “S”, sometimes between the "T" and "R" when E(2) was unavailable . On October 31, 1970, Sofronia married LaMar Knudertonsen who, with his Liechtenstein charm, swept her off her feet . . . three times over three consecutive years at the same annual dance before she politely reminded him they’d met before and he figured he ought to propose. She found her deepest trials and truest sense of irony in mothering four sons and a daughter, Abraham Lincoln Knudertonsen of Nashville, Tennessee, Albert Einstein Knudertonsen of Pocatello, Idaho, Marie Curie Knudertonsen-Rodriguez of Oak Ridge, Tennessee,  Pablo Picasso Knudertonsen of Orlando, Florida, and Orville Wright Knudertonsen of Waco, TX, who has felt short-changed since infancy. Her joy has been magnified in her senior years by watching the TiVo, and listening to her daughter's incessant prattle daily on the telephone. Her dog Amidala and her parakeet, Flippers preceded her in death. She is survived by the Energizer Bunny. Sophronia reluctantly served as president in all the auxiliaries of the LDS Church, at least twice, with perhaps her happiest years being those directly following each release. When she wasn’t visiting her grandchildren or talking on the phone, she served faithfully as an Accountant at a world-renowned tax firm in Salt Lake City near the LDS Temple where, after many decades, they’re still trying to downplay the embarrassment caused by that little episode on South Temple. The family wishes to thank the host of friends, neighbors and professionals who tolerated her crankiness and combed the back of her hair in her declining years. Special mention must be made of her husband, LaMar Knudertonsen, who washed her car nearly every day of her life, her psychiatrist, and the devoted employees of the local Joanne Fabrics. Her thoughtful grandsons Harrison Ford Knudertonsen-Rodriguez and Luke Skywalker Knudertonsen-Rodriguez repeatedly offered to just shoot her with various pieces of their personal arsenals in her final months.  Appreciation is expressed to the members of the Wards that attend the church behind her back fence for their faithfulness and compassion despite the raucous Sunday hot tub parties during their worship meetings. Funeral services will be held in that same backyard at 11:00 am this Saturday, as her final request was to be buried under deck by the hot tub.  Also at Sophronia’s request, there will be a clogging party and open mike poetry slam held Friday, from 5:00 to 8:00 p.m. in her garage. In lieu of flowers, please feel free to vote multiple times for any clogging group on all future episodes of America’s Got Talent, or to just do a little dance of your choosing, while thinking of Sophronia. Arrangements are made under the influence of lots of chocolate. Friends and family are invited to post comments about embarrassing moments in Sophronia’s life on her daughter’s blog:  http://image-jen.blogspot.com/

I've now posted explicit and personal details about my mother on two consecutive days.  I realize I've dropped off the blogging map for a while there, but I'm waiting to see when she decides to check in on my blog and whether she requests I remove either posting . . . anyone want to place bets? 

I lost that bet, but I do think the edited version may surpass the original.