Keeping Up Appearances

Last night as I dashed into the "party store" just to use the ATM (I swear), I recalled the oft-used-in-mormondome phrase "Avoid the appearance of evil." The meaning is obvious--don't even look like you're doing something evil, but evil is relative. For Mormons, "evil" may include but is not limited to alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, tanktops, cursewords, pseudo-cursewords, democrats, left-leaning moderates and so forth.

Let me back up. (beep-beep-beep). Okay, in most places I've lived, the term "Party Store" typically refers to a place where you buy balloons, wrapping paper, coordinating paper plates and matching plasticwear and streamers. In Michigan, the term "Party Store" means "Liquor Store". Go figure.

So, as I left the Young Women's activity night at the Church yester-evening (you know, the place where I try and fail to be a positive influence and role model for conservative young mormon girls) I realized that I needed to get some cash on my way to a party (candles, not liquor) for which I was already very late. The only ATM on the way there was a short distance from the church inside the "party store". What's a girl to do? I ran in, hoping none of the young ladies or their mothers on their way home from the church would notice my mini-van double-parked in front of the "LIQOUR" sign. I guess we'll find out on Sunday. Though really, who doesn't need a good stiff drink after mutual night?

This reminds me of an earlier time in my life . . . . (beep, beep, beep). I was working for a theater in Seattle as the assistant stage manager. (This was one of the phases of my life where all the people I knew at work and in the theatre thought I was some sort of freaky ultra-conservative nut-job and all my LDS friends and family thought I was a great heathen liberal, when the truth was, and is, that I am really rather straight-down-the-middle conservative in my socio-political beliefs). I digress. One of my duties as the assistant stage manager was to manage props once the show was under way and the prop master was out of the picture. This show involved a lot of fake boozing and smoking (you know, the appearance of evil--what the actors did on stage prior to going out for the evening of real boozing and smoking), since actual boozing and smoking on stage is frowned upon--except by method actors. So, I had to create alcoholic looking non-alcoholic beverages and the like. I was laughed out of the light booth at one point when I asked "what color is MER-LOT?" (Like the time I helped host a fundraiser and had to ask if I should put the red wine in the fridge--silly Mormon!) So, every few days, on my way home from the show, I would stop in a local grocery store and pick up apple juice, tea, cigarettes and cigars. I was always afraid I'd run into my Bishop with an armful of tea and smokes. Tired, and unaccustomed to purchasing anything requiring identification, one evening I tried to dash in, grab the goods and go, when I was stopped by the 17-year-old checker who asked for my id. I stared at him blankly momentarily, then remembered the cigarettes. "Well, I'm not going to smoke them; they're a prop." I said. Apparently this is not a good enough excuse to get a by on the whole id thing. So, I had to leave my loot at the counter and go dig through my car for my drivers license.

S0, once again, I found myself, the role-model gone awry, in a potentially akward position. Though probably not as akward as this was. Nor my mother's stint as a paralegal-of-the-night (which is an entirely different post altogether, which I'll write if I get her permission).

So for all those of you out there who try and fail at being a role model, just remember, I probably failed before you did.