Blog Envy

I've been contemplating something today. Why do I blog? What do I want out of it? This all started while reading the blog of a dear friend and remarkable lady. She's been invited to contribute to a popular blog site and to sit on a panel at a blogging conference. I have to admit that my first sentiment was a touch of jealousy. You see, it's not that she doesn't deserve the attention--she is incredibly intelligent, writes interesting, insightful, inspiring and entertaining posts and she's a marvelous human being. Yet, here's the thing. I think I'm intelligent (not as smart as she is certainly) and I think I'm an interesting and entertaining (if not always insightful and inspiring) and I started blogging a few months before she did and we post about as often (somewhat irregularly, but generally about once a week). So, I asked myself--why is she so popular? And suddenly I'm thrust back to Junior High School and questioning my popularity. Then of course I do exactly what I did in Jr. High and ask "Why do I care?". I once asked her why she's so much more popular and she explained that her sister has been blogging for some time and has a following and linked to her blog and her sisters audience bled over into hers. Yada yada.

So, here's what I've figured out: I'm not popular because I haven't networked myself. I don't read many other blogs and I rarely, if never comment--except occasionally on close friend's blogs. The only ones I read regularly are those of my friends and family, plus one or two I justify by having some remote connection to the author. I occasionally blog surf and sometimes happen into a blog that has interesting recipes or something and I might bookmark it. But usually I end a blogs-surfing occasion feeling like I've just used an hour I'll never get back. Yes, I may have read some interesting things, but rarely do I feel inspired by or connected to people with whom I have no relationship or connection, other than the blogosphere. I feel like I need to have a face and a name and more common ground in order to be inspired. Frankly, I feel a little voyeuristic, and while thrilling, voyeurism is a bit empty.

So, I'm torn--I don't really want a huge readership. I like that my friends read this. I'm flattered if they do, and flattered I suppose if strangers read it. Although, honestly, I'm also a bit creeped out by strangers reading it. Then why do I feel a little bit of blog envy when I see how popular some people I know out there are?

I talked it out a bit with my husband last night and this is what I think I discovered. Part of it is knowing that they get a little kickback from advertising and I think hey, I'm interesting, pay me to write! But that feels a little bit to me like putting your baby in commercials because he's cute. Sure, they'd pay you, but is that really what you want to do?

Matt asked me why I do this. I do it for me mostly. I do it as a writing exercise, and as a journaling exercise. Why don't I just turn it off to uninvited guests? I suppose because I do like the fact that people read me, and I don't want any old friends who stumble into me (or who blogger-stalk me without commenting--you know who you are) to feel like they have to ask permission. (I love the blogger-stalkers--I am one. I rarely comment anywhere, even my own blog--sorry I don't respond to comments, I know I should, but I love reading your comments anyway, I just usually feel silly re-commenting on something I've written. I'd rather send you an email). And I feel like I've got nothing to hide.

The non-reasons for me, though common for some I suppose are: I don't blog to find a community. I don't feel like an isolated stay-at-home mom. I love to be alone with me and my thoughts. (In fact, I find I feel more isolated when reading some blogs because I have so little in common with so many mommy-bloggers out there). I don't blog to feel popular--I've never really cared about popularity. I don't feel like I need home decor tips, or personal care product recommendations, or clothing or style hints. I don't blog to earn money--I have a job for that. I don't even really blog to keep people updated on my family--though that is a side benefit at times (yes, I need to post more pics, but honestly, this is my writing exercise, not my scrap book--and I'm lazy, uploading pics takes time and effort people).

I could get into it. I could surf and comment and try and get my name out there. I could link and post links and buttons and all that. But when Matt asked me what I hope to get out of this whole endeavor--do I want to become a professional blogger, my answer was no. It'd be nice to be a professional writer, but if I had to choose between blogging for money and publishing a book or two, I'd do the book, hands down.

So for now, this blog will remain a place for me to write and discover and chronicle. And I'll put more time and effort into my other writing projects and quit worrying about whether I'm popular (I swear I got over that when I was 14). I'll let you know when I get published . . . then I'll worry about my popularity.