Where am I and what have you done with my life?

I called my mother today and tried to quit my job. You know, the motherhood thing. Really, I'm just not qualified. I really think they should have given a prequalifying exam with questions like

Section 2, Potty-Training

Question #1
Your older child comes running in to tell you that your newly potty-trained younger child has just peed all over the kitchen floor in front of the fridge. What do you do?

A) Strip him down in the kitchen and throw him in the tub and everything else in the washer, then mop.
B) Cry
C) Spank him
D) Send him to Grandma

Question #2
Your older child comes running out of your bedroom yelling something about his little brother that contains the phrases "no-underwear" and "poop on your pillows". What do you do?

A) Kindly remind him that after using the potty he needs to ask for help wiping and, at a bare minimum, always remember to put his pants back on.
B) After having him assist you in changing and washing your sheets, meticulously comb the rest of the house for signs of poop, including, the guest bed, the carpet, the dining room floor, etc.
C) Scream at him
D) Call your mother and quit your crappy job
E) Both A & B

Question #3
Your well-potty-trained 5 year old child calls to you for assistance in the bathroom. You open
the door to find him standing there, poop all over the toilet seat, his thigh, the bottoms of his feet and, of course, your rug. What do you do?

A) Tell his father his son needs him.
B) Throw him in the tub and hose the place down.
C) Hand him a bucket of bleach water and go for a walk.
D) Call CPS and turn yourself in.

I would have failed to qualify for parenthood--not necessarily for incorrect answers, but for incompleteness--I'd have just put down my pencil, walked out of the room and went back to my former life wondering "what was I thinking?"

This why there is no test, no qualifications and no manual. If we realized what we were getting ourselves into, the future would only be in the hands of the competent and prepared, instead of the naive and idealistic.