Coming Out

I remember when the TSA full body scanners came out and complaining about them on social media was all the rage.  I also remember thinking, "what's the big deal? If I get scanned and the virtual mini-me that shows up on the scanner's screen looks all lumpy, are the screeners (or anyone else within view of the screen) going to point and giggle and say "look!  she's fat!" as if we're all surprised.  As if no-one noticed as I slid gracefully into the scanning booth that I was fat, and were shocked to realize that, contrary to the optical-illusion created by my clothing, there was indeed a fat person hiding in there.

I don't want to write about full body scanners today.  What I want to write about is this myth that fat people seem obliged to participate in in our society.  This myth that I'm not really a fat person, I'm just a thin person waiting to be uncovered (I think Oprah said something to that effect).  The myth that every fat person is actually an unhappy thin person, trying to get back to their thin body.

Guess what?  I've never been thin.  Nope, never.  Okay, so maybe for a fleeting moment as a toddler--I'll have to ask my mom on that one.  But every memory I have of myself is as a fat person.  And oh so many of those memories are of a fat person who wants sooooo badly to be thin.  Who believes that if she just does A,B, and C, thinness will be hers.  And that thinness is indeed the ultimate prize, and that somehow, I've just always failed.  That although I am quite successful in a great many other areas in my life, that I am still a failure at heart, because I've failed to achieve the elusive and magical state of thinness.

That's the myth.  That's the lie society is telling us.  That we are all just over-developed thin people, and we should be ashamed.  Guess what?  I'm done believing that myth.  If there is one thing 43 years has taught me, it is that I am fat.  There, I've said it.  I've come out:  I am a fat person.  I'm not a fat person trying to get thin any longer.  I'm just Jen.  And I am fat.  And I'm working every day to be okay with that.  I feel much better already.  Thanks for asking.

There was a period in my life when I was okay with that.  It too was fleeting.  I'm not sure how I lost it, but in the past several years, I've managed to lose that comfort in my own skin.  I'm working to find it again.

I intend to resurrect this blog and perhaps spend some time on this little journey of mine, and will give you other little nuggets of my thoughts and experiences, but for a coming out party, I think this will suffice.