I am disturbed, and have been for some time--oh, and not just in the ways you already know about. I'm disturbed by many things. One thing disturbing me of late (again) is the ongoing issues with women and body image. I spent several days this week with relatives. We spent many hours watching the Olympics. I can't recall spending more time discussing bodies and weight loss and vitamins and the like before in my life. One comment in particular just keeps grinding on my brain. We're watching the women's marathon (that's running 26 miles thank you) and I kept hearing:
"Look at that one, she's hefty."
"Boy, she's a bit hefty."
It carried me right back to a day some years ago when I heard the same voice saying, in jest of course, to someone he loves (who was relatively thin at the time):
"Hey Thunder-thighs!"
Let me just say that such "teasing" of a teenage girl from her father--the one man who is supposed to love her unconditionally, is not just not funny, it's reprehensible.
We can pretend that this obsession is because we're concerned about our loved-one's health and well-being, but when it become an obsession--something talked about all day long, day in and day out, and when the subjects of such concern are far from obese, it's not so much a health concern as our own body-type bias.
I am disturbed not just generally about female body issues, but I am concerned in particular about the contributions men make to our body issues and more particularly, as a member of the LDS church, I am deeply disturbed by such attitudes amongst our membership.
I am again carried back to a time, again a few years ago, when a conversation with a few LDS friends really bothered me. (I did say that I've been disturbed about this for some time--it was the hefty commentary that pushed me over the edge). You see, we were walking early one morning when these beautiful, intelligent, charming (and thin) women began discussing the desired plastic surgeries they were hoping one day to have done. They indicated that their husbands were in full support of such enhancements, and may have even suggested them. Around the same time, I had a similar conversation with another dear friend. This conversation revolved around how her husband wanted her to lose some weight.
Below are some suggested comments for husbands whose wives begin discussing plastic surgery or weight loss.
"You know dear, I married you because I think you are beautiful. I will always think you are the most beautiful woman in the world." (you could play the Beatles When I'm 64 at this point).
or, for weight loss woes:
"You know, you have borne my children and neither of us are as young as we once were, so you really shouldn't beat yourself up over a few pounds. I still think, and will always think you are the most beautiful woman in the world. I certainly didn't marry you for your waistline. If you want to lose weight to feel healthier though, I will support you in whatever way you want me to. Just let me know what you need."
What kind of world are we setting our children and our spouses up for when we tell them in no uncertain terms that their bodies are not acceptable to us? That somehow our love for them is dependent upon a few key physical features. Then we sit back and wonder why our daughter sinks into a depression because she can't shake the weight she gained after her first baby. Or our wife talks incessantly about her diet program of the week and how she needs to drop 20 more pounds as she struggles to find the right mix of hormones and antidepressants.
To me, being hefty and having my own set of thunder-thighs, I find all this very disturbing. Sure, I'd like to lose quite a few pounds myself, but have learned to try not to let my weight determine my self-esteem or consume my life. I am grateful for parents who never made fun of me and never tolerated my siblings doing likewise. I am oddly and sporadically grateful for my lifelong struggle with weight--there's something very comforting in knowing that I met and married my husband at 250 pounds, so he's certainly not in it for my waistline. I am very grateful to my husband. I am grateful that despite being raised in a culture and even a childhood where weight was everything, he's somehow risen above that--he's in it for my charming personality and my lightening wit . . .
6 comments:
Here here! You know--I find it interesting that it is often only those of us who have really struggled with weight that get this. Here's a comment I heard a good Utah bishop say about his wife in her presence--"Isn't her haircut great--she looks beautiful like she's 30 again." I wondered why she wasn't just as beautiful as a 42-year old. Another friend's husband was all smiles when she signed up for a membership and personal trainer at a local gym. She said, "Well, of course he was happy about it--I mean it is for him too, he's wanted me to lose a few pounds since the baby was born."
SHUDDER.
Like I said, there are times when I consider this curse a blessing in disguise. I have had the opportunity to develop my sense of self-worth based on things other than my appearance. I've developed an understanding of true beauty and these realizations have made me the person I am today in a lot of regards--so there's the true irony of it--in not allowing me to be defined by my weight, it has all the same, helped define who I am . . .
Brava Brava!
I agree 100 percent, and even though I am a thin person, I can understand, I had severe Acne, poor vision (i.e glasses 1/2 inch thick), and though the slant of the lesson is different I learned it the same, Beauty isn't skin deep, beauty is when a person is around you and makes you feel beautiful!
Ditto on being happily married while overweight! :) I am very grateful for a hubby who NEVER makes me feel ugly or unlovely in any way. It drives me nuts to hear men tell their wives, "You shouldn't eat that" or other ridiculous things like that.
We just drove past a plastic surgery place called "surgical art." Call it what you may, but it's still crazy! (I'm really not into pain, anyway ...)
I am so with you. Somehow our society defines worth in pounds. So many men believe it and women buy into it. I have a 'friend' whose husband has "named" her droopy breasts and is saving his money to give them a lift. My 'friend' laughs as she tells me(in an attempt to hide the pain, I believe). It's just so wrong. I am grateful to have a husband who has never, nor WILL ever (I'm confident) make one comment about my weight. I like it that way. I don't use the scale. I work pretty hard to make weight a non issue in our house. I know my girls will face it all too soon from our society. My kindergartener last year told me, "Mom, these are my favorite jeans." I ask, "Why honey". "Well, because they make me look skinny."
She didn't learn that in our home. It's out there, and it's powerful, and it's wrong. Thanks for the discussion.
Jen you Rock!
Love, your mean brother that probably teased you a few times but didn't get away with it thanks to our awesome parents!
Post a Comment